December 14, 2009

Now it can be told: The horrible truth about Pokémon and the occult

Dale Culp says: It's true -- all of it. Yes, Virginia, there is a Satan Claus, and Pokémon is his wicked, wicked tool. This subversive game, designed by the devil himself, is a gateway to the dark side. Video games are trying to steal your childrens' souls. And how do I know this? Because we were in on it. All of us.

My dance with the devil started, as most full-blown cases of devil worship do, with some very small steps. I cut my teeth on titles like Haunted House on the Atari 2600, and nursed a healthy addiction to horror games such as A Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th on the Nintendo Entertainment System, but that was just kids' stuff. It wasn't until I played Doom on my buddy's Super Nintendo that I realized I was a real, honest to God, Satanist. We were so young then, only having just mastered the basics of spell casting and demon summoning through the use of a Ouija board my friend was given, coincidentally, for Christmas. We'd come a long way from Bloody Mary and "Light as a feather, stiff as a board," but we were just getting started. We knew in our hearts there was no going back.

The late 90s were a special time for me. I was growing in strength and had nearly mastered many of the "forgotten," more arkane dark magicks. I'd not only learned to hone my 6th sense, but my 7th and 8th, as well. I was quite a popular guy at parties. I could read minds, make objects disappear at will and "possess" the minds of young women with a hypnotic gaze. Forget roofies (aka floories, rapies), man -- the hypnotic gaze is where it's at. But the coven I was a part of at the time were looking for something more, something harder. Something more harder. That's when we discovered Pokémon.

There was a rumor going around that some cat from Japan had found a way to control the minds of children through a video game. We didn't think it was possible, but I decided to look into it. Before long, I had discovered for myself that it was true. Satoshi Tajiri, an ancient mystic, had found a way to digitize actual monsters and store them on Game Boy cartridges. Pokémon was then released in the United States and the youth of America were forever damned. The rest, as they say, is history.

Was it all just a coincidence? Look closer and notice what most of these games all have in common: Nintendo. Even Shin Megami Tensei got its start on Nintendo's Super Famicom. Makes you wonder what they've got under the hoods of those things, and why modern hardware like the Xbox 360 red rings if you look at it wrong but the ol' NES just keeps on truckin'.

In fact, as it turns out, the unique architecture of Nintendo's hardware is designed around specific eternal elements that not only gives their consoles long life, but also makes each one a perfect rift/portal generator to The Elder Worlds and the realms of the Ancient Ones. These long standing cults have been manipulating eternal forces for aeons, biding their time and building generations of followers; waiting for The Day of Eternal Night, when they usher forth The Beast to conquer the world and overthrow the forces of good. Makes you wonder about the Wii, too, doesn't it? Sure did catch on like wildfire, here in the States, didn't it? I'm sure that's a coincidence... I'm sure the popularity of all of Nintendo's consoles is just some strange, unexplainable phenomenon. Except for the Virtual Boy; that thing was failure personified. But then, of course, you have Super Mario's godless, communist ties. Oh, the evidence is overwhelming! I'm just the only one who's willing to tell you the truth.

I've taken enough peeks behind the curtain to know how this stuff works, and I fear I may have said too much. Even so, those who could harm me have either long since lost their minds to madness or fulfilled their suicide pacts with the Lord of Darkness. I myself agreed to no such bargain, but I paid the price by watching my powers dwindle. Ten years on, and I wonder, where did the time go? Still, I do get, like, 0.05% of each soul that is cast into the lake of fire as a result of my writings, so there's always that. I mean, it doesn't pay the bills, but once I start building a network of affiliate links and really get the Google juice flowing, I'll be sitting pretty in Hell! And now you know. Of course, if you believe ANY of this, tune in next week when I reveal the shocking truth about Donkey Kong and the JFK assassination!